4/12/18: Throwback Thursday
Recently, I’ve been having a lot of internal dialogue with myself. The nagging voices in my brain ask a lot of really nosy questions, and one of them stuck with me.
“When was the last time you were really proud of yourself and your health?”
And honestly, I had to throw it all the way back to 2008.
This photo is from the first organized 5k I ever ran. I think my face says so much about how elated I was. I was clearly red in the face and huffing and puffing. But I was proud. My brother was beaming at me. My mom was behind the camera, so excited. My grandparents were just down the road at home, and I’d celebrate with them later.
I had spent the previous year or so actively working on my weight. I lost 60 lbs. I was the smallest I had been since junior high. I felt fit and strong and like I could take on the world.
It’s ten years later. Where am I now?
I’ve gained all the weight back…and then some.
I’ve spent years battling demons of all sorts.
I lost two of the most important people in my life to cancer.
I have dealt with family conflict that has resulted in devastation.
I got my bachelor’s degree, and then I jumped right into my master’s degree.
I gave birth to a beautiful baby and raised her through a tumultuous and fantastic first 4 years of her life.
I worked full-time nearly the whole time.
I laughed and cried and smiled and worried and got mad and got really sad and felt numb and rejoiced and mourned.
I did so many things in those ten years, and I don’t regret them. They led me to a beautiful place.
But I’m ready to feel that pride again, to feel that accomplishment. I’m ready to set goals and actually succeed at them. And maybe my version of success won’t end up being “lose the 60 lbs” again. Maybe my version of success will be “follow my training schedule and eat in a way that nourishes my body and become a healthier version of myself.” I’d be okay with that.
Whatever it will be, I am ready to find out.
And just to balance out the deep, sorta downer thoughts with something cute and fluffy and happy, here’s a throwback of my baby when she was a squishy Easter bunny.